I’m 26 now and not any closer than I was 5 years ago.
I may be closer to God and I may not be– She never tells.
I’m getting asked what’s next for me and I don’t know if it’s what I imagined.
More time is going by and I’m asked what’s expected of me; when all I want to do is get closer to You.
But they don’t pay for that unless I’m selling cults and crosses.
Everyone wants to be saved but won’t look at themselves.
I feel like a child of Israel; given the world and Promised Land yet I can’t refrain from sinning.
It takes 4 lifetimes to get it right–
I wonder which lifetime I’m up to.
Hopefully, my last.
But the thing is I’m not getting any closer, so if anything–
I’m in my second; wishing it’s the third, praying for my fourth.
Until then I avoid books that try to convince me otherwise.
I spend my days reaching for something with not enough strength and hoping the right moment comes along.
What will I do next?
I don’t know but I can’t keep sitting around–no.
I see others around me do the same and it pisses me off only because I see nothing but myself in the eyes of my biggest fears and still–I do nothing.
I do nothing! But isn’t that what I’m supposed to do!? Oh Baba, please tell me, am I doing non-doing wrong or should I be doing a little less more? Tell me–
Where is my Sensei?
Is he in the trees I can’t hear anymore because I’ve been robbed of the silence by the ever going drone of anticipation?
Or is he in the spirit of my lover? A stranger I avoid eye contact with on the street or the mosquito I couldn’t help but kill off my leg–oh please, tell me.
What am I to do?
I’m 26 and not even close yet so I publish old poetry that doesn’t reflect much other than my lack of conviction. And highlights my laziness.
So tell me, what am I to do now?
Because I’m tired of doing nothing.
-Natalia