When your purpose isn’t your purpose

At this point, I doubt I have a reader that has been here since the beginning. So, I won’t start as if you already know but I’ll start as if we’ve just met.

When I started this blog, it was to share my love of photography and writing whilst traveling the world. This was in 2017, almost a decade ago.

I’m sure you’d be surprised to hear I’ve only just acquired my passport this past year and never actually did “travel the world” with this blog.

But since then, my life has changed many times.

In the beginning of it all, when I planned to do great things with this blog, I swore it was my purpose to become some great superhero that the world needed; a wise sage if you must. Maybe the new Ghandi.

I posted it as my mission statement that I would train with best; my body, mind, and spirit to bring back this knowledge to the world through my writing.

And while my heart yearns for that life I imagined, I found myself watching the days, years go by while I settled into just a normal life.

Since then, I’ve done what I could with my body; let it go for a while and decided to pick it back up. My spirit has morphed into many shapes; practices and forms of thought. While my mind, still as ever, holds me in a chokehold from time to time while I listen to the elders telling me to let it all go.

The more I get to know God, the more I realize that my life isn’t my life, but His.

And though every day I willingly surrender it to Him, I still think back to those moments where I would imagine myself in the mountains, traveling upwards by myself, to a place unknown.

The more I get to know Him, the more I realize He has His own plan for me. And it’s very similar to what I had in mind.

Though I may not spend the rest of my days secluded in the Himalayas (or whatever mountain set I imagined myself in), I will spend forever seeking Him.

Every day that goes by, the days I clock in to work and the days I don’t, I seek Him–in everything.

I’m beginning to learn that the path I always set towards Him, has never wavered.

It’s actually a path He’s been helping me on without me realizing it.

But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul.

Deuteronomy 4:29

And while my interests, passions and hobbies have changed over the years, my love for Him has only grown; my need and want for Him has only grown. And it’s only brought me closer to Him.

There are things I’m learning to let go of because they may not serve me in the moment, but are things I’ve held onto for some time because I always have.

One of those things I’m coming to terms with lately is writing.

Since high school, I felt as if writing was it for me. It was something I found that I loved so deeply and kept with me for so long–oppose to other things that have captured my attention in the past.

It was something I had done for years and kept me sane through it all.

It was an outlet of creation, the depths of soul spilled out on paper for anyone to see.

It made me feel like it was my purpose in some way. While I sought God, my purpose was to write about it.

But I had it all wrong.

Seeking God is my purpose. Sharing God is my purpose.

And at a time, I just happened to love sharing Him through my writing; I still do. Just maybe not as much as I did back then.

For a while now I’ve beat myself up over not writing. I should be writing, it’s what I’m supposed to do.

I had begun to read Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke about a year ago and within the first few pages the writer asks the reader to go within and inquire of yourself, must I write? Would you die if you could not write?

And I immediately (and a bit shamefully) thought no.

As I have said, to feel that one could live without writing is enough indication that, in fact, one should not.

Letters to a Young Poet [The First Letter]
Rainer Maria Rilke

I couldn’t believe it! Something that, once upon a time, I would have immediately answered yes, was now a no? I was distraught.

But he was right.

I hadn’t written anything in months. And when I did, it took forever because I was forcing something that wasn’t really there to begin with.

Reader, I tell you today that I’m not struggling to write this to you.

I am a writer at heart; but it’s no longer something I’m holding onto as my purpose or path in life.

Finding that quote from Rilke again now, I found the next couple of lines I was too blind to see at the time:

Even then this process of turning inward, upon which I beg you to embark, will not have been in vain. Your life will no doubt from then on find its own paths. That they will be good ones and rich and expansive—that I wish for you more than I can say.

And so now I know.

I’m glad I didn’t keep trying to pursue it at the time. If I did, I’d probably still be a few steps back from doing whatever else I’m supposed to be doing now.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve done something. If it doesn’t feel the same anymore, as if you’re supposed to be doing something else (even if you don’t know what yet), maybe it’s time to move on.

I’ve learned after spending a good amount of time with God that you won’t always know what your purpose in life is. Most of the time, if you’re on the spiritual path in some way, you’re only purpose is to follow Him, know Him, and serve Him; in whichever way He calls you to at that moment of time.

So, whatever that is for you, just know it’s ok to walk away from it or even just set it aside for bit if you need to. God is always guiding your path. Stop trying to assert certain things in your life and let Him do it for you. He’s never wrong.

In their hearts humans plan their course,
    but the Lord establishes their steps.

Proverbs 16:9