I’ve come to realize every city is empty;
no matter how many people are in it.
LA is just the same and I don’t know if I’d rather be lonely here
or there.
Maybe neither.
I’d rather be alone in a place where there is no one and not the illusion of a crowd.
Everyones so full of themselves and I can’t seem to see the problem.
The facade of this reality grows stronger in my mind recently that it’s hard to ignore.
How will I keep going?
That’s the difference between you and I;
You live your days going and going, planning, enjoying, living, saving, spending, maybe loving.
And I do these things with a constant resistance, mind racing of things it shouldn’t because something keeps telling me it all doesn’t matter.
And it doesn’t.
I’ve learned in this case to remain still since there’s nothing else to do.
But something I can’t help but to ask is why remain still if there’s nothing to do? Why not do whatever it is you want?
Because those things will keep you stuck in illusion
But I’m already in illusion. Aren’t I?
Once awake, a part of you never goes back to sleep.
If I decide to take this lifetime and do the most materialist things with it, achieve things that really have no matter, all while remaining aware of its purposlessness and my Maa, what’s the problem?
Is this what I’m supposed to do?
For years, I thought I needed to attain something to escape this samsara. What I’m learning at the moment is that there is nothing to attain. There isn’t. I’m already merged with The Great Mystery, whether I’m aware of it or not. So what is there to attain?
I think of the Buddha and the Eightfold Path. I think of the Eight Limbs of Yoga. I think of the final step always being moksha, enlightenment, liberation.
Liberation from suffering, from the illusion that I am seperate from the All.
This is what I have been aiming towards since I was 15. Is that crazy to say?
Sometimes actively, sometimes not at all.
And the more I learn from those who walk before me, the more I hear: there is nothing to achieve.
And I didn’t understand it at first. I couldn’t. How could I?
It’s like having the same voice tell me two different things in each ear. A walking contradiction like this reality itself.
But I think I’m starting to understand it now.
Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. Only the idea of time will be able to tell.
So for now, I am here; doing whatever it is that I want while turning a blind eye to my Maa every now and then just to fall to my knees when it’s time.
What else is there to do?
Talk soon?
-Natalia