I remember days
weeks
months,
where it would all come through so easily
effortlessly.
I wonder where those days are now and how come I’ve left them behind.
Was it the spark of a new birth? The push and shove after deciding to jump?
I’ve come to realize so many things over the years; brilliant things.
Beautiful ideas, energy, and embodiments; one day after another.
A direct connection to God.
It was as if I saw the phone, picked it up and never hung up. And She never stopped talking.
And then… it’s as if
one day
I hung up.
I hung up and then picked up the phone whenever I needed it—or She knew I needed it.
And in those moments of silence,
when I’m doing whatever,
I wonder what happened. I wonder where the phone is
and how come it’s not ringing.
Or maybe it is
and I just can’t hear it anymore…
I refuse to think that’s the case—maybe in my own ignorance.
Losing the connection for me…isn’t that important. I’ll never stop looking for the phone or checking if She’s on the other side.
It’s the wonder of what happened, where did I get lost, and what did I tap into, that keeps me guessing.
And again, not to say my connection has been severed–because it hasn’t.
No, I get sent signals and signs that yes, I listen to but—
it’s different.
It’s more of; you’ve found Me, now just be.
Oppose to this constant flow of wisdom and realization that seemed to flow through me in every moment.
It’s like shutting the faucet right to the point where the stream dies down but into drops, and drops, and—
drop
drop
drop
drop
drop
drop
drop.
The intention behind this is not complain, mourn, or reminisce; but to open a question, create a hypothesis, explore with trial and error, and come to a conclusion.
My hypothesis? An energetic blockage.
When I first started my journey of self-realization, I did a complete lifestyle change.
I was in a constant state of cleansing and detoxing from all that I knew to be true.
Then, rewiring my body, energy and thoughts to a new reality and frequency.
This was peak potency; download after download. For years on end.
All this even before I knew God how I know Her now.
Once we met, it was just us. Her and I. All the time. Nothing else mattered.
And it still doesn’t. I just can’t help but to wonder, what’s the difference?
Have I found the key? Are all of the other things just unnecessary?
Possibly.
So, maybe I have a few hypotheses. An energy blockage, I already found Her, or I’m just in the plateau I’ve heard rumors of.
I’m not exactly sure where I read it but I heard of this “plateau” or gentle rising that seekers face once passing their spunky newborn phase.
My only way of knowing; experimentation.
I want to rule out the energy blockage as an answer. I’ll start from a semi-square one and see if this flow of “knowing” starts to increase.
Honestly, I’d be very happy if this was the answer. Only because this conclusion can help so many with those struggling in the same situation.
On the other hand, the other two answers are equally as satisfying but a bit harder to stand behind. They hold more of a maybe, than a confident yes.
So
until then,
I wait.
I wait, and revert back to my beginners mind–and maybe, that’s the answer.
And I can give more than I could have ever imagined.
So
Until then dear reader, work on yourself; it’s the only thing you can do for me.
And I will work on myself; since it’s the only thing I can do for you.
–Natalia