as I sit in the middle of this space listening to songs in languages that aren’t my first.
A show I watched yesterday told me something only I could hear.
It said something along the lines of: I’m so fixed on this idea I have for my life, what I will do for work, where I will live, how I will live the rest of my years and spend my hard-earned cash, that I’m not allowing life to take its course. I am not being open to a new path.
My subconscious likes to pick up on the sounds it hears and morph them together into things I actually want to hear.
I started to apply that message to my life when something caught my attention;
Recently, I’ve been getting all sorts of information and ideas on the reasons why I am the way I am; personality, wants, needs, and the sources they come from.
Was my life plan a sham? Did I even have a life plan??
When I heard this message I felt a complete relation however I never even thought I had a plan. Until I actually thought about it. And in a way, I did.
Now what does this have to do with my newly acquired knowledge on my characteristics? Well, this “plan” that I wasn’t aware I had is shaped by me, the way I was raised and taught to think, and also by my current wants & needs.
I realized that my past “life plans” were shaped by some idea in my head that could have possibly been placed in my head by my parents. And that to this day is still in my subconscious affecting future “life plans”.
I also realized that when I heard that message of being closed off to new paths, I also heard my moms voice in the background telling me if I don’t pick something and stay steady with it, I’d end up a Jack-of-all-Trades, Master of None, like my dad.
So then I found myself stuck in the middle. Do I keep flowing with life as the Tao has always told me to? As this message I heard in a show also told me to? Or do I try to stay steady with all the things I’ve already started?
This continued my thoughts into a whole introspection on who I am and who I want to be in this lifetime.
As I begin this new journey of dance, one I began as a child, I’m looking for answers.
Nothing can take me away from writing. It’s what I do, it’s what I’ve done for years. But an inner fear, let’s call it ego, wants to convince me that all of my creative energy will now go towards dance and I will have none left to write or create anything else. My Soul deems that untrue.
People don’t believe me when I say I’m constantly in a quarter-life crisis.
I won’t be a fool and say I know what will happen or how I want things to do.
But I can say I love Maa, god I love Maa. And no matter how I do it, I will make my life about Her. Even when I get lost and lost all over again.
As for my art, I will continue to write. I will continue to dance. I don’t know what will become of me, but I trust my path.
I leave it as that for now.
-Natalia