I’ve sought for you
high and low.
Through mountains and roads,
late nights and early mornings.
I’ve sought for you
my whole life.
Even now,
after times of rejection, ignorance and struggle;
I’ve prayed you’d let me in.
I’ve written stories in my head about you,
asked the Saints and Gurus of you.
I’ve prayed for you
and have only been met with silence
and maybes
and not in this lifetimes.
And I accepted that. I accepted that I may not come to know you in this life.
And now here you are, maybe, asking me to let you in and still,
I hesitate.
How do I know? How will I know?
What if you’re not The One? What if you are?
Am I ok to love you in the way you want me to?
Will I be able to love you how you want me to?
Because I can feel my heart being broken open
and I’m spending every minute picking up the pieces, standing afront, guarding what’s left of its shell.
How will I know?
I don’t want to get lost.
I don’t want to lose my way.
What if I lose myself?
What if I’m wrong?
What if you’re not the one?
How will I know?
While my heart craves to know you,
versions of my past I latch on to
acceptance from someone, anyone, I look to;
why?
Because I just don’t know.
Everything, well, almost everything that I’ve ever done has been based off a certain feeling.
And this time, the feeling isn’t certain.
In fact, it’s the exact opposite.
But how could I know? When the Truth I seek is one I can’t behold.
What if I’m being conned? What if it’s a scam?
How will I know?
I can’t be the person I once was. No matter how much I miss her when I look back.
No matter how loving she was and no matter how much I love her still.
My heart finds emptiness in everything that isn’t You.
And settling on words like You are everything just doesn’t suffice for me anymore.
I can’t find sustenance in impermanence.
My soul aches for your Divinity.
How will I carry on?
How can I carry on?
What will you do with me? Oh, Lord.
What will I do?
What will I become?
I want to leave my life in Your hands but what if You’re not The One?
How will I know?
I guess I won’t know unless I give it a chance.
I’ll take the leap
and leave my life in Your hands.