There comes a time in life, maybe not in this one but at some point, where you begin to do something for so long that once it’s gone, you have to learn how to live again. This past year was exactly that.
For 12 months, a feeling of emptiness hovered over me as I learned how to live again after being someone else for so long. This feeling wasn’t something I could name until a few weeks ago.
For the past year, I lived my life within this simple perspective: Openness
I lived with the goal of nothing, letting life take its course and allowing myself to shed a life I used to live.
After finishing a 20-week coaching program on manifesting your dream life, I came to the realization that I could no longer continue being this version of myself I had been living as for the previous 4 years.
Not only did I feel the most enlightening release from my being, but began to hear a heartbreaking elegy mourning the loss of an old identity.
Acknowledge: who is this self?
Think about who this previous version of yourself was and journal on some of these questions:
Who is this old self? What did they enjoy/like?
What made them sad/happy/excited/blissful/regretful/furious?
Who were their friends and enemies?
What did they do for a living? What did they do as a hobby?
What kind of life did they live? What were their ideals and values?
Why let go?
Why have you decided to mourn?
I began naturally as releasing an old identity is the same as breaking a bad habit: it hurts and it’s hard and I’d rather not but should—
That self was happy; she felt expansive always and was surrounded by faith and inspiration. What I was doing was working for me and I was slowly but surely making my way to where I thought I needed to be.
This was followed by a year long downfall of: none of this feels authentic to me anymore and I no longer know what I want.
Do nothing
Stop doing things you think you should be doing and stop forcing yourself to continue with habits and patterns you’ve always done.
Even though the inevitable emptiness of who am I hovered for 12 months, I allowed myself to surrender to life’s course and rediscover what was real for me again.
Fall in love with yourself and life again
This is the best part.
Seek yourself like you’re seeking your soul mate, your lover, the one you intend to spend eternity with.
Find the spots that make you tickle, shriek out in pain, and moan into the ethers.
Test the waters and tell dark jokes, do things you’ve never done before just to see what if.
Scream, dance, make art and scream again. Set your Soul on fire and never look back again.
Fall in love with the Truth of who you are and bask in it forever.
Mourn
No matter what happened in the past, good or bad; something is always held within those memories that make you want to hold on.
Maybe it was a blip of a moment where you laughed a little too hard at something someone said.
Or maybe it was the only time you had saw that one person or you never got to say that one thing.
Whatever it was, sometimes—no—almost always, it’s hard to let go.
So mourn; mourn and reminisce and leave flowers at their bed. Cry and release everything that’s no longer yours. Cry because it hurts and because the only time you’ll ever see them again is during moments you’ll think I remember.
Mourn as if the whole world as you knew it has come to an end. Because it has. Except now the life you are going to live, is way better.
Live
Losing yourself is probably the most mentally draining thing you can experience. Everyday I was plagued with the question: what am I even doing anymore?
As someone who is usually sure of herself, this wasn’t an easy question to answer on a daily basis. I needed to learn who I was again, what it was that I wanted to do with my life, and where I found my most authentic happiness.
I acknowledged who it was that I used to be; scrolled through old posts and writings, rereading the thoughts I used to have and noticed almost nothing resonated with me anymore. I began a new journey of self-exploration; asking myself questions like, what is it that I truly enjoy doing? Where am I most happy? What is something that I’ve been wanting to do lately? Where is my intuition leading me? And so on.
I know this may not be the best guide to releasing an old self or maybe anything you expected, but this was my journey and how I learned to rediscover myself.
N.