It’s funny how the more we get used to things, the more our perception about them changes.
When I first moved to the San Gabriel Valley, I would stare at the mountains that were so close to me, imagining my Sensei somewhere out there.
The more I hiked those mountains over the years, the more dirt and sand I found.
My Baba Ram Dass would tell me the Guru is always with you, even if He isn’t in physical form.
This lowered my expectations of Him actually being out there.
If you read back on many of my writings, posts and even art pieces from then, you’d think I spent all of my time pondering His whereabouts. And maybe I did.
Nowadays, I haven’t thought of Him much. And I wonder why that’s so.
I think at the time all I saw was imperfection. I was driven to find my Master who would show me the Universe and the Ways of the Sages.
Instead, I was met by God.
She’s been leading me as my Teacher ever since, even when I’ve failed Her many times again.
And still I wonder if He is out there.
I made a piece a couple of years ago dedicated to the search of my Sensei.
Some days I felt as if I were waiting on a dream; something I wouldn’t see in this lifetime.
Yet it consoled my heart to think that maybe I might; and that my sins and struggles would wash away in an instant.
If I’ve learned anything from Him and Her it’s that even if I do meet Him in this lifetime, it won’t be that easy.
Now, He talks to me through the wind. He insults me through the mouth of another with Love so that I may only see Him in All. He shares my joy and pain through the drips of my blood and tears and whispers to me through the smoke that fill my lungs.
I’d be a fool not to listen.
Ignoring the teachings He gives me daily while seeking something that may never come.
To this day, I look to the mountains.
I remember how earnestly I’d stare, waiting for movement; some type of sign.
I would hear, come Home to Me, come Home.
And though I don’t go to them that often anymore, when I do,
oh, how I’ve missed them so.
I’ve missed them so much I’ve planted them inside me wherever I go.
Now He walks with me everywhere I go.
He laughs and taunts, trailing beside me whispering, you’re Home, you’re Home.
And some days I see it, most days I don’t.
Thinking about the mountains, wondering when I’ll come Home.
I can’t wait to meet you some day Sensei. In this lifetime, or the next.
With endless love,
your dedicated disciple,
Natalia