Because I haven’t said much in a while.
My own absence has been driving me insane to the point where I can’t find my way back.
There’s nothing for me to say.
And I’m ashamed of myself in more ways than one.
Lately, I’ve been hearing my own voice in my head say, I’m lost. I’m so lost. And it breaks my heart.
I want to keep saying there’s something missing, but I immediately shoot the thought down with the Ultimate Answer; God.
You’re missing God in your life, Natalia.
Is it true, Maa? Am I missing you?
A part of this journey, and sharing it with you, is the constant battle between what I call the ego and Soul.
And ever since I began this journey of self-exploration, that’s what it has been; a battle.
And every day I’m fighting for my life.
Every day I face a part of me that I am ashamed of.
Is this what it’s like to be human?
Save me, save me.
I’m drowning in a sea of my own sin;
one I can’t bear to face my reflection in.
Sometimes I imagine leaving this existence as a way to escape my problems.
But if there’s anything True about what I’ve learned about life, myself, God, and Eternity, then I know there isn’t such an easy solution.
Facing the shadow-Self is the game of life. Some win and some lose.
And some days I feel like winning. And others not so much.
But that’s just how it is.
So in the meantime, I pray.
I pray every damn day until My Lord decides to take me back home.
You know that’s all I want, Maa. Why must you make it so hard? Am I just too weak? Do I not love you so?
I’m waiting.
Waiting for something.
Waiting to win a battle. Waiting for something to happen.
I’ve been here. Quiet, but here.
I hope you are too.
–Natalia