Lessons from the Wilderness

I have no idea where my life as a writer will go. I’m not even sure if that life exists anymore. Do I continuously try to make things work even when their time is up? Will I ever stop?

I learned recently that drifting in the wilderness isn’t about being lost. The “waiting” that’s brought upon by these woods isn’t an inactive waiting, but a constant pursuance of God. The “waiting” isn’t really waiting at all but more of the background silence that exists while you walk.

My journey towards God sort of reminds me of the 40 years the Israelites spent in the wilderness. The trip wasn’t supposed to be that long, but it took that long because of the many, many loops they did.

For me, those loops are the lessons I didn’t learn the first time, the things I could’ve dropped yesterday but still pick up, and every little thing holding me back from really living for God.

My perception of what “living for God” means is always changing and I can’t tell if that’s from me or from Him.

God has met me time and time again as the face I needed Him to be in the moment, so much that it’s made me question the true face of Him.

Love, in all forms, I hear.

I’m at the point where I want need to stop focusing on the specifics and focus on the message.

I will never know, I will never know. And I need to be okay with that.

This phase I’m moving into, I hope, is surrendering to just that.

As a constant seeker, someone who thrives on learning the Truth, especially of My Lord, it is my hearts passion to do this. I feel like no matter how hard I try to settle on something, somewhere deep within me still seeks. Maybe that’s because I really haven’t found the Truth yet and my heart knows it.

But my mind tells me now that I never will know.

To know the Truth I seek, is to know God Himself so closely that everything else has dissolved and we are One.

And as long as I stand in this body, I may never reach that state. So I will settle for what I do know for sure:
God exists, He calls me, and I will follow wherever He leads me.

My fear is not what will happen if I step forward but of what I may leave behind.

I’m tired of running in loops, I’m tired of calculating and conspiring.

I want rest.

²⁸ Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30 NIV

Lord, I seek You in all ways and will never stop as long as my heart beats and even then–
I will still look for You.

— Natalia