I was reading through old blog posts yesterday from when I was in high school.
There was one post I wrote on how I didn’t care if anyone read my blog; what was important was that I liked to write and that’s what I was gonna do.
Jump forward to around 2 years later, I went all in on this blog you’re reading now; turning it into my online home.
So much has happened since then.
One thing I realized yesterday while searching for the inspiration that started it all was that I didn’t write to be poetic; to send deep messages in hopes I’ll change someone’s life or to gain some sort of recognition.
I just wrote to write.
Over the years as this blog progressed, I’ve grown older and have felt the subtle pressure of societal norms, career decisions and future life plans.
Many of which have stopped me from writing the way I wanted.
Lately, I’m finding myself deconstructing the stories I have been telling myself the last 5 or so years.
If you’ve listened to my podcast in the past or even read any of my previous blog posts during those years, you’d know I knew clearly what I wanted and what I was pursuing.
I spent the last year convincing myself those were still things that I wanted; until now.
Now I’m even questioning if I still want to write.
Truth is, I’m done evaluating my life logically. I’m done basing my life off of the things that I think I should be doing.
Over the last 2 years, my life has drastically fallen into one of devotion and servitude to the will of God.
It’s funny because I think back to around 2020 when I had first become a baby bhakt (devotee), thinking that was peak devotion (lol “peak devotion”).
Now I just see it as it was, a baby bhakt.
I was watching Life of Pi yesterday and the narrator had stated, God came to me through Hinduism, but I learned God’s love through Christ.
And I felt as if the words had been stolen right out my heart.
God formally introduced Himself to me as “The Universe” through new age spirituality. He lead me to Hinduism and showed me we can have a personal relationship and that I may call Her Maa. Now, He has directed me toward Christ, so that I may know Him through His Son.
Years from now, I wouldn’t be surprised if a new route has found me. Because He has been directing my life this whole time toward Him.
My only mistake has been trying to control every other aspect of my life as if He weren’t in it.
Yes, He’s leading my life toward realization and making sure I get there, but I still need to make sure I have food on my table and a roof over my head. I need to make sure I have a job to support me. I need to make sure I’m working toward something in my life to keep me secure and stable.
And where has that gotten me?
My life has been divinely guided since my first awakening. My conditioning is what has kept me in survival mode.
And now, I am free.
I have been liberated by the fact that I know God is in every part of my life and I can lean on Him.
I don’t need to keep telling myself things that aren’t true anymore in order to secure a safe future for myself.
I can enjoy my life now, do the things my Soul calls to in the moment because no matter what, I am protected.
Even when God had entered my life, I stayed in my own self-inflicted shackles.
God has given me the chance to liberate myself through His son, Christ. He has given me permission to follow him and learn from him so that I may be truly free. Not just the free I’ve defined for myself these past years.
I don’t know what will become of me, my writing, my future or faith.
But I do know that I’m done asking and I’m done taking the wheel.
I’m coming back Home.
-Natalia