The Sh*t Writings of an Adolescent Girl


Poems and writings about life, adolescence, love, spirituality, los angeles, my cat, and everything else that flows out of me



To the drunk guy who said my writings were shit

Dear drunk guy,

I’m sure you told me your name was Aaron but you called my writings shit so I’ll refer to you as such.

And it’s not like you said that at all..

but you might as well have.

You need to add some pictures, you said.

What are you? 12?

There’s no point in explaining anything to you but your drunken philosophies intrigued me to the point of actually almost caring about what you had to say.

You told me my writings were good for a 21 year old yet I’ve read better from an 8th grader, my god.

My writings are shit.

What does a 21 year old have to say anyways?

you laughed

and gawked

and broke me down 

piece

by 

piece

yet i still had to urge to run upstairs, rip open my laptop and 

slam

slam

slam

on the keys of my blog so the next thing you’ll ever read from me is FUCK YOU DRUNK GUY!

and it won’t mean a thing.

You’ll just laugh like you did at my meaningful works and I’ll be one step behind on my goal in life.

And I’ll stay the fool as always.

as I am now.

writing this

to you,

Aaron.


lost angeles

im standing here

behind the counter of LA

watching the people

come

and go

come

and go

That’s the thing

with LA,

no one stays

no one’s here for good.

they just come

and go

come

and go

Everyone’s here for work!  she says

Everyone’s just looking for something  / she says again

And when they find it, they leave!  he says, 

motioning a bird flying away.

Everyone’s just looking for something, huh.

And I thought of that

And I thought of why I came

And how many people are lost;

lost 

in LA.


stream of consciousness #1

This is a stream of consciousness

this is a stream of endless consciousness flying through a time/space continuum leading a phenomenon in which i cant describe—-this

is great.

its you

and its me

and we’re here.

i try to ask you a trick question but you see right through me so we just sit in silence–instead

I try again but your oh too smart i just cant–

with you;

your great! and im a fool

we met

oh way too soon

way too soon?

says who? 

says I..


and we’re back

in this space

time

thing.

moving faster than usual but now were aware switching time

frames

back and

forth

from reality

to dream

from dream-

wake-

dream

wake-

now.

Be here now

and im here

with you

now.

were sitting at the table face to face and i cant bring the words out like they are in my head/but the way you look down and back up at me/my heart/i can feel/ it may have skipped a beat/i think;

we’re moving too fast.

were moving too fast/i cant hear the affirmations of my future only the past/im drifting passed/i think i felt/my heart maybe skipped a beat/i think we should;

slow down.

or i might get swayed.

but your hair looks so nice at this speed and i think i put a rain check on my life ill have to check again next week but i think your so special and i see you agree so i guess we can do this just let me know if it gets too fast i know i can be a lot but its a lot to handle and im completely aware of the time we just gotta put it to the test—if u need to rest; im here.

and we’ll slow down.

and take it 

frame

by

frame.


no one buys poetry anymore

how can i expect

to survive off my own words;

me,

pouring my heart out on the open floor throwing myself across the page how—

can i expect

to climb mountains with that?

i see myself through the mists and fogs–

moments,

i’ve experienced;

i see the dark shadowed halls of bamboo–

strong,

tall.

how can i expect

to arrive through my words

how can i 

expect,

to get there

with my words

when no one buys poetry anymore.


its monday already

10 minutes have passed but I can still feel your skin on mine;

Is this what love is?


who knew

I could be this blessed

I spend minutes–seconds
getting smacked tf down by too many numbers insignificance but so grand I stand!
To this day
Praying praying oh I pray
For rain
Dancing in a circle for a week asking for a sign send me a sign give me a sign
Here.
Now.
This is a sign.


monday

if monday were a person it’d look a bit like you;
6 am
the sun barely awake yet you–
are here.
It’s quiet but I can hear the murmur of birds singing along with the silence of your breathe–
Monday,
If it were a person I’d push its hair back behind its ears and kiss it good morning every single chance I get just to smell the week on its skin you have me swooning within ohh Monday;
If you were a person I’d sway and swerve all over your body and give the weekend no rest have me clawing at your chest and wishing for no other day than,
today.
Its Monday and I want no part in anything else.
Give me 6 more and meet me again another day oh Monday,
keep coming back to me.
And I promise I’ll never wish for a break again.


i dont wanna try anymore

today i laid in bed

with nothing on 

but a bra and pants

my heart ached so i set the toaster timer to 20 mins twice

i laid in bed and listened to songs i didnt know i needed and still

i wanted to die.

everything i do

or try to do

i hate

oh i hate

im so tired of everyone and everything 

is it ok to cry

im not sure im not sure

i threw up/out all the pizza after waiting an hour

i now understand

what it feels like to have so many arrows shoot right through you.

how will i ever make it through the day

is it ok to cry now?

mom?

i moved to the floor//theres too much shit on the bed//too much shit in my head//in my heart

what do i do now?

i just want to pay my rent and be left alone

i left the blinds open so they can see me go crazy 

my cat woke up to check on me and still

wont let me hug her

so much time passed i forgot about the timer

the pizza had burnt to a crisp and i missed work now im stuck here on the floor and id hate for someone to call me while theyre crying and im sorry i ever made you cry i just dont know how i can help everyone and my words arent that strong my patience is as low as my voice i didnt mean to shout its just no one ever heard me before i just thought maybe 

i could try


its ok! dont mind me

I’m in a room
Surrounded by talks of books and not the good kind
Schedules maps outlooks of life
Playing with the knife
Kitchen circles around the island
Flicks of wrists
Hellos and nice to meets you’s
Hiding in the staircase
to hear nothing
but the plans
from a distance
It all sounds lovely up close until you’re reaching your end at only 21 you’re doing worse than me but you seem to have it figured out so I cant really say;

They all turn to me–
Soo…..

What about you?

Questions I dont mind to answer I’d just rather not touch
Instead I sit on the couch and laugh it off it’s not much to me, please!
Carry on
I didnt mean to disturb
Please by all means
I’m very interested in the ending of this all
oh please do
Send me a letter!
I bid you
Au revoir!
The men they seem smart
To move to the next room
They watch the game and talk fouls
trying to ignore
the things that I’m sure they think matter
But leave it to the girls
And the young ones in tremble
I’ll be among them as well!
Writing this to avoid the attention
Writing this to avoid the tension
Yet still–they look at me;
And still
I just laugh.

It’s okay

I swear.


crying over spilled oil

i just talked myself out of suicide

the whole world should be goddamn proud!

spending 2 hours cleaning up shards of glass and spilled oil to prevent my cat from getting hurt and messy as she watches me ruin my life from above.

What a fool!
I don’t know how you humans do it

No wonder I’ve been sent here

I’m the one who needs saving

Spending 2 hours crying over spilled oil–I’m telling you,
I dont know how you humans do it!

I just talked myself out of suicide and the whole goddamn world should be proud!


stream of consciousness #2

lately i havent been finding the words to say

i read back to my old works

books

notes

and it seems to me that everything i wrote before this moment was brilliant.

now everything i seem to write isnt doing too well until the next moment comes along to make it better.

i haven’t been finding the words to say lately yet i am finding myself trying to write more than i usually do.

this isn’t much for a poem—it isn’t much of anything at all.

what i do know is that there are eggless-eggrolls waiting to be eaten while i sip my not-so-great smoothie in envy of all the girls with no guts when they sit or chaffing legs as they walk.

getting up to write isn’t really doing much but i do this anyways in hopes something great will come of it while i wait for female novelists looking for assistants to sadly write me back while in the back of my head i know they never will.

a man last night told me to write a book because that’s the only way.

this whole time ive been telling myself i wasnt ready for a book only to be told 

there is 

no other way.

oh jiraya sensei if you weren’t just a character in a manga i would ask for your help and be shown on how you did it.

romance novels

poetic rebuttals

and powerful jutsu’s—it’s no wonder

you’re a great sage.


questions while laying in the infinite

You looked at me and I thought,

How could I not fall so in love with you?

How do the pessimists make it seem so easy?

How does time go by so fast?

Why are there moments that pass without you here?


introduction to us

my name is natalia

i cry over things i cant control

and i cry over the things i can

i go through phases in my life that usually last months

if im lucky

a year

i have a cat

her name is haku

she loves to play

she loves tuna

and she loves me

she gives me heart attacks this girl

one time

she jumped out onto the ledge of my building where i couldnt reach her

that

was my biggest fear

i calmly called her name back like i usually do when i give her food

while i frantically threw on pants thinking

i may have to go ask the neighbors to grab her from their window


eventually

she decided to answer my call

and wander back toward my voice

the second she became arms distance,

i snatched her inside,

slammed the window closed,

grabbed her in my arms,

and cried my eyes out.


i cry over the things i cant control

and i cry over the things i can


i have this big idea in my head that some day ill change the world

i cry about that

since i have no idea how

i cry because i know eventually i will so,

why cant i see that?


i think about becoming a great writer

and moving people

with my words


i think about projects i want to start

and some i never will

and the outcomes of all the ones i never did

and how great they were

so much, the people loved them.


its friday today yet,

its quiet

outside

hakus laying by my side

breathing

a normal breath

while i sit

and tap my keys

light enough not to disturb her

and im happy

i didnt make the camping trip this weekend

i wouldve missed out

on this,

with her.


1:30 AM in the heart of DTLA

no one but the ghoulies are out
they feed dope and pins and needles to the cracks and shadows of concrete woods and taints.
Blindsighted ignorants push through the crowd that came before them fast enough to reach their uber before he leaves to pick up the next drunken fool.
Theres not much to it at 1:30 AM
It’s a week day only the alignment of celestials can tell which.
The gods that lurk amongst them in the darkness of alleys only go to pry
Though their naturalness protects, they care nothing for it but to catch a mouse or two.
Still when the day breaks you’ll find them cracked open, guts spilled out, hanging evenly along telephone-wired poles each with a different story.
By that time green shirts have cleaned it up soap and water bleach and flour sawdust and powder
Skipping across, pigtails and carriage;
sunrises and streams of light through muddy glass and fingerprints
High pitched laughs and cries coming from it all, highs and lows,
yet they all seem to cover their faces as ashamed as they both should be
to not face eachother
or reality.


stream of consciousness #3

While the world walks around having their usual talks as they do,
I cant help but to wonder among those thoughts where can I find the truth of the world if it resides in us all.
I see it like an explosion of stars—
Big bang–
To say;
Galaxies.
Yet theres talk of hits and shouts and no longer in love with the voices of deep feelings but moreso the glint in eyes and hair that splits at the ends eventually.
People love their dogs more than they do themselves but we still find eachother in the office the next day to get those kibbles n bits for just a few more lasting times.
I wonder where it all is even within the trees of silence away from the bees.
They say they’re missing or dead but not enough to look in the mirror.
Is there any more work to be done?
Sometimes the cats hear it,
When their ears go up and we all stop to listen.
I can hear it.
Stop!
And listen,
I say.
And they do.
Just for a minute.
It’s enough.
Even for me.


They destroyed my childhood and replaced it with condominiums

it’s as if the world grew
a slight bit larger
than it already was.

and there I am

right in the middle of it all.

they say when you get older
things change
but it’s not true.

things have always changed.

no matter how bad it got.


the weather seems to be changing amongst us all

I danced to the vibration of the Earth.
I heard it so well that everyone else did too.
And they danced,
and danced,
and danced.
And the seasons changed
and life got better
and the leaves fell
and the snow did somewhere else
and everyone sat around the fire and laughed.
Oh we laughed until the sun rose and the flowers bloomed again.


i scream into the night

I DONT CARE IF ANYONE READS THIS

and they dont know why. i only have my phone out so you’d think oh its something on her phone.

because thats why I write. I never wanted this.

They told me, list 1000 things you like to do and I listed them all but you.

its a habit not a hobby.

its like drugs. its like drugs.

I think about things like this one time we saw an apartment above a bar in a town i cant remember the name of and I still wanted a skateboard ramp in my room.

it didnt matter then not even the name of the town.

schools i forget the names of.

towns. rooms. robbers.

we stayed in and ran away

did it all and still came home to the realization I never had one.

I scream into the night I HOPE NO ONE READS THIS not even my family what would they think?

thats what the yoga teacher said. drop it all even that.

the grocery store closed when i got there and it made me a little more sad than it should’ve.

i wish i was home. i wish i was home. it was only 2 blocks but i wailed and cried and hated living in the city more than usual why must i know them all.

they follow me to the dreams they don’t belong.

its up to me when to decide.

i scream this into the night because im not sure anyone hears me but we run around and ask for confirmations anyway!

i wonder whos on this anyways. i wonder who will read this other than i.

and if they can hear any of it.


please make it all end

within all this chaos and people losing their faith
hope
minds
I cry.
I just want you back.
Here.
With me.
You’re not even gone but any slight chance that exists without your presence next to me I cry—
for your warmth
your heat
The smell of your breath–skin
When you lay down next to me.
I cant imagine what this world will become;
without you here–I said I cant–
imagine;
what I’ll become
without you here..


i saw god in the streets of the sick

I wonder where everyone is;
if they’re hiding behind their screens
or cloudy days when it rains in LA.
There’s no more water on the shelves but I see no one looking up–I wish;
I can leave it all.
The excuses,
The fear.
Nothing worth surrounding yourself with if you want anything else but this I swear;
I want to leave it all behind
Run from the sky
Away from the rain
The pain
Stand amongst the mountains and scream and cry and ask God why–;
You said you’d cry with me and that’s a chance I’m scared you’ll take.
I promised I wouldn’t fall back in love it’s only one more person to save.


im running in circles

I left my old life behind 
when I picked up my suitcase 
as I have many times before.

Things will never change.

Maybe my bag will get lighter
and packing 
will become easier.

But my adventures will continue
through simplicity & hardship
my path remains.

I roam, I roam, I roam.

It’s an endless path/journey

Will I travel like this forever?


drunken streams of consciousness

last night I got lectured—-no,

not lectured—

by my love.

he told me write! write it all out!

the sadness

the fear

the drunk-en-ness

its sad to think i never drank

even decided not to at social events yet–

here i am

drowning 

in my own sin.

i sip another…

was this bukowski?

I wish i could throw it all away.

the stupidity.

the watchings of the show laying around throwing up its disgusting.

Its funny to think. WHEN ITS ALL OVER I CAN GO BACK!

no bitch.

look at the choices you made

LAUGH AT THEM!

what else can you do?

oh its the best way? yeah we’ll see.

im sure of it i know! i trust Uni–I DO!

its too bad. 

too bad for it all and maybe if i wouldve decided to live like these fuckers I’d have a better sense of it all.

ha! but maybe not…

I wanna throw up and it’s not the liquor.

I wanna tell my Master to let it all go to shit, burn the temple down and renounce my actions.

then he’d laugh—oh would he laugh!

chuckle it all up throw himself on the floor and say HAHA ITS ALL THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS

and id spit and say fuck this shit.

put myself on a journey and end up right back where I started in tears.

oh god.

this life. its funny. it is.

until then,

ill laugh

and cry

as I have been.

maybe try to drink a little less.

cry a little less

hold it in 

because either way my master will laugh.

and so will Uni.

so what could i do?

other than love.

love it all.

through the pain.

the tears.

my heart.

what else?

could i do.


INJUSTICE

CRY FOR THOSE WHO DIDNT MAKE IT
WHO FAUGHT FOR YOUR LIFE
FOR YOUR FREEDOM
CRY FOR THOSE WHO SPOKE UP
WHO SAID SOMETHING
WHO WERE PUSHED DOWN
WHO WERE KILLED
CRY FOR THOSE WHO WERE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF
AND TOLD LIES
AND GOT BROKEN HEARTED
CRY FOR THOSE WHO CRY
AND THOSE WHO LIVE WITHOUT
CRY FOR THOSE WHO DONT CRY AND DO NOTHING FOR OUR SAKE
CRY FOR THOSE WHO CREATE INJUSTICE
FOR THOSE WHO DECEIVE
FOR THOSE WHO DO WHATS WRONG
AND CRY FOR THOSE WHO DONT
CRY BECAUSE THOSE WHO STAND AS BROTHERS DONT FORM CHEMICAL BONDS AT ALL
CRY BECAUSE WE DEFEND OURSELVES INSTEAD OF THE WORLD
CRY BECAUSE THERES HATE AND CRY BECAUSE THERES LOVE
CRY BECAUSE THERE IS INJUSTICE
AND CRY BECAUSE IT NEEDS TO BE SERVED
FUCK THE GROUPS THEY PUT US IN INSTEAD OF BUILDING OUR OWN
WE WILL CONTINUE TO FALL INTO PATTERNS LEAD BY DEMONS AND MALICE
DEFUND THE WORLD AND YOUR STUPID POLICIES
THERE IS NO FIXING
THERE IS NO REFORM
THIS IS INJUSTICE
THERE IS ONLY FIRE
THERE IS ONLY FLAMES
AND BURNING
AND BURNING
AND BURNING
CRY
AND CRY
AND CRY
AND CRY
THE PHOENIX IS BORN FROM THE ASH AND HEALS WITH ITS TEARS SO CRY!!
CRY BECAUSE THIS IS INJUSTICE
AND IT WILL BE SERVED


i doubt anyone will read this

and im kind of glad they wont.

this is me being vulnerable this is me being vulnerable

it could be the meds or its probably a fake

I cant control my mind as much as I can any other day

I’m trying I’m trying don’t get mad

I’m annoyed

leave me alone if you wont help then shut your mouth I cant stop

this is dumb

and I hate everything I write

I hate that I don’t write

I hate that when I want to write and get some kind of order something just jumps in the way pushing me back why god

I’m trying to be calm

I have no stress I had no stress I have no stress

I’m trying to make it work why make me sick I’m trying god why

cant it just work cant I just work.

i see you stare me down with piercing eyes

you make me cry for hours breaking my back breaking my 

energy flow

what can I do now I want to read but I have to write and edit these videos and make one right after where is the time

I gotta think of something instead of writing this.

writing this I just a plus

and I needed to 

to get one step closer

where is the pain

where is the stress

the happiness

the inspiration for it all 

i cant find them under my mattress in too high closet doors i reach yet cant see where

i tear it all down

break glass cement pull it off the wall i just cant

stop talking to me i need to be alone yet i have so much to offer how can i at these loss of words and too many being thrown at me.

i needed this and i don’t know if you need me but i put it on my life and hope its the reason i breathe

i need a reason to bleed

to be.

~ FIN ~

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