Today was a great day even though some things may have gone the opposite of great.
I never thought that I would feel satisfaction out of coming home after a long day, jumping on my laptop, and just writing. I literally look forward to posting every other day to the point where I want to post every day. So why don’t I? I feel like my content will get boring (if it isn’t already) and I’ll run out of stuff to say. Two days is enough to write a whole blog post worth of content, but less than 24 hours? I don’t know.
I’ve been thinking a lot about movies lately but I don’t get to watch much of them.
If my day didn’t consist of going to school, I would probably have the time to do way more than just watch movies. I’d probably be a way better writer by now and getting my first book published this week. My dad said the most wonderful thing to me over the phone yesterday which is a rare occasion. After telling him that I finished Bird by Bird on my way home from school yesterday, he asked if I was ready to start the next book I purchased which is The Curious Case of the Dog in the Night-Time.
Have you read that book yet?
Anyways, I told him I really wanted to start that book but I was just given a new book called The Road in my science fiction class and I want to get that one out of the way first before I started the other book. He told me that it was a good idea and then asked if I had started The Road yet which I should be on page 75 by now. I told him I tried but it wasn’t really grabbing my attention yet.
What he said to me may not seem that great to you, but it put me and him at the same level for at least a few seconds and nothing could’ve made me feel better at that moment. It was something along the lines of “That’s because your mind is still stuck on the other book you just finished”, and he was absolutely right.
The moment I closed Bird by Bird, I wanted to turn right back to the first page and read it all over again. But I have other books to read and I know I couldn’t. I did vow to reread it when I was ready to write my first novel but I’m not even close to doing that yet. My most recent project for science fiction class is to write a short story imitating Cormac McCarthy’s writing style in The Road which is absolutely annoying. I’m sure it’s a great book, but the lack of punctuation kills me.
How do I know how to read it? There is literally no quotation marks around the dialogue. How do I know who’s speaking!? I mean, I’m gonna read it anyways but I might have to drag myself through it. “It’s poetry” says Mr. Neve my science fiction teacher. It does have a poetic sound to it but come on man, no quotation marks? It’s just too confusing for me. I do hope I get at least some insight on how I can be a better writer.
I hope life is great for you.
I know I may seem like some anonymous face that you know nothing about but if you read my posts, you’ll learn something new about me every other day.
My name is Natalia and I am a writer. 

I’m not sure if I’m going to continue writing anymore. I know no one is reading it and I know I said I don’t care but, what’s the purpose? I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about writing lately and by tomorrow I’ll be done with Bird by Bird. There’s plenty of things that I have learned from the book especially how to improve my writing skills but I’m not sure if this is what I want to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love to write but can I commit to it at least once a day? I know, oh god, once a day!? Give me a break! I don’t know if writing once a day is the issue but I just feel like this isn’t going to work. This is like breaking up with my soul mate because I don’t want to kiss him. Was that a good comparison? I’ve been so tired and barely dreaming anymore. The last time I actually remember something from my sleep was the day before last when I took a nap after reading. I remember my mind scanning through book after book, picking out and highlighting words as if it were collecting them for future reference. Once I woke up, I thought somewhat along the lines of “and even when I’m sleeping I’m becoming a better writer”, and I’ve never felt more satisfied with myself. I’m gonna keep writing the blog and continue to write every other day, because I do love to write, and what’s better than that? So here’s what I’ve learned:

  • Always take down note worthy things. (Even though I started doing that a few days before I started reading the book)
  • Observe everything
  • Listen more, Talk less
  • Pay attention
  • Being more compassionate = seeing others differently

I know these are simple things but they’re not things that I’ve been doing until now. I always felt like I couldn’t go throughout the day without keeping my headphones plugged in my ears, but I did. I read through the boring times (which is 95% of the school day), and payed attention when I needed to. I noted some quotes that meant something to me in the book and even something a quiet kid in front of me said:

“I live a life of servitude”

responding to my question of why he wanted to do all of the group work. This kid has been doing all of the group work probably his whole life, that now, he just offers to do it all himself! I couldn’t bear to hear those words come out his mouth–but they did, and I was left there, empty handed, with only “Well… you should stop that..” as my pitiful response. People like him, go their whole lives letting people walk all over them because they feel its their duty, or because they’re too kindhearted to say “No”. You’re supposed to be living your life in your own favor, not others. I’m not saying not to be generous, but don’t put others wants in front of yours (generally speaking).
I’m going to finish tonight’s post with a short excerpt of what’s going on right now:

Pungent scents of crisp spices on high, spill through every crack and hole, racing through nostrils that can only bare a short whiff. Weights less than a gram struggle to keep my eyes closed, for my eyelids are too strong. A simple overused phrase of “I love you”, leaks out the lips of my lover to which I can only respond no simpler than an “I love you too”. There is no doubt he is blind to how these words have reached my ears, I have no doubt. They poured so smoothly through my right ear as if he were pouring the last of his cup down the drain. I know fires can’t start without oxygen, but the spark of the match he throws down my throat with every kiss is enough to keep me warm every winter. I lay here waiting for a meal that might not kill me, and listening to everything but the words around me, and the only thing I can feel is rumble of my stomach, and the beating of a heart next to me.

-Natalia

Bird by Bird

So Thursday night, I decided to re-watch Stuck in Love because I knew it would give me that push to really start writing again; which it did. So today, I decided to create my list of “To Get” books. So I researched books that will make you a better writer just by reading them. I looked a one website but just skimmed through it seeing “Bird by Bird” as number one. The next website, I found “Bird by Bird” as number one again so I decided what this post had to say about it. It seemed like a pretty good book as it described the author’s writings of the hardships of being a writer if that’s a good way to say it. So as I reached for the phone to note the title of this book, looking at the time, 11:44. As you can tell from my last post, I observe many synchronities as well as Adrian. So me being all excited taking down this title, I write some more classics to pick up including, The Catcher in the Rye and Lord of the Flies. I already read The Catcher in the Rye the beginning of 10th grade but enjoyed it so much I have to get it again. So after making this list, Adrian was leaving to go pick up his brothers and all we had at that moment was $20. I was planning on going to my dads later so I knew I needed train ride but so did he. I ran to the store with him to break the $20 and we split the money. As I’m walking back home from the train realizing I only have $10 now and I wanted to go pick up at least one of the books on the list, I kept affirming to myself, “The most important book on the list will be under $10” until I got home. Once I walked in, I reached for my laptop and looked up the price of the first book on my list, Bird by Bird, on Barnes & Noble. Exactly how I predicted, the book was $9.72. I was so excited I reached for my phone to check my battery life for the trip, and saw the numbers 12:34 as the time. I’m so excited to see what this book has in store for me.

I know I was supposed to post yesterday but I ended up passing out at like 7:30 last night. I’m trying to aim for writing every other day so I’m definitely going to have to set an alarm to wake me up.
As I wrote that I glanced at my laptops time to see 1:11 PM in it’s place.
I hope all is well
                                                                             Natalia

Things I’d love to share with you & why it doesn’t matter if anyone reads my blog

There are some things that I’d love to share with you and I hope you enjoy them the same way I do.
Okay:

The first thing is The Perks of Being a Wallflower. This movie is really great and if you haven’t seen it, you definitely need to. This is like the #1 ceiling breaker movie. Aside from the fact that there are sad parts, it’s all a lesson that life gets better. Being someone who used to suffer from depression, I’ve been put into positions that made me feel a deep connection to this movie and I’m sure it does for a lot of you too. The words the main character speaks, sinks into your mind as if he were speaking to you directly and that’s what makes it a good movie. I know they say “the book is always better” but personally I really think the movie is better. Especially since the director did such a good job making the book come to life.
The next thing, or I should just say movie since there’s one more after this, is Stuck in Love. If you are an aspiring writer such as myself, you will fall in love with this movie. It’s based on 3 different writers lives who are all part of the same family but go through different situations. It’s full of love, passion, emotion, and definitely inspiration.
Finally, the last movie is It’s Kind of a Funny Story. This is the first ceiling breaker movie I ever saw and I instantly fell in love with it. During the time I first saw it, depression had just entered my life a couple months prior and was bringing me down fast. This movie was extremely comforting especially because it’s about a boy who checked himself into a hospital for depression. The best part of this movie is really the end where he lists simple tasks that can lift you up in a heartbeat. A couple years after, I read the book and this time I can tell you, the book is better.
My heart was crushed when I found out that the beautiful author of this book, Ned Vizzini, committed suicide on December 19, 2013. I honestly couldn’t stop crying the night I found out. The man that convinced me that life was worth it, took away his own; how could I not be devastated? That night, I did question my own life again. I’m sorry you didn’t see the potential of life that you showed me, but it is worth it. I love you Ned and you’ll always be a huge part of my life and have a place in my heart, rest in peace.
Moving on to a song by Jhene Aiko called You vs Them. The reason I’m sharing this song with you is not only because it’s a great song, but because I made an observation yesterday and had to write it down in my “little jumbo book” I keep all my mental notes in which has also helped me blog these past few days. So here’s what I wrote:

She spent days or I don’t even know how long, working on this piece that was being spoken from her heart. This song is a story and a conflict that consumed her mind and meant everything to her at the time she wrote it. And there I was, sitting in class using it just to block out the sounds of ignorance, not paying any mind to the words that came out the mouth of someone who felt so much while writing it.

And that’s how I felt. I didn’t feel ashamed or anything for not paying attention to lyrics that have pierced my ears for years, but I did understand the importance of listening to music.

Now onto why it doesn’t matter if anyone reads my blog. Building a following for a blog takes a lot of work especially if your only writing a personal blog and not trying to reach a certain audience.

It doesn’t matter what type of person you are, what you like, your interests, etc. Of course if you are a follower and share with me what you would like to hear, I would definitely take it into consideration and try and build a connection with you. But I’m not here to reach out to massive amounts of people so I can make money or sell you something. I just came to write. I love writing and I would love to share my pieces on here. This is a place for me express myself on a page that is especially mine but very open to anyone else.
 

I love you guys whether your reading this or not

While I was on the train this morning, I couldn’t help but to think about those bible readers I seem to always find sitting across from me. They’re always reading a tiny bible and making facial expressions like they just read it for the first time.
Do they just re-read the same book over and over just because they like it so much? Are they trying to memorize it?
Then, 70% of the people on the train are on their phones almost the whole time. I usually see them typing which I don’t understand since the majority of the train ride is underground with no service. So what are they even typing?
People always look at me like they have something to say but always end up backing out. I’m not saying that in way that sounds like I think everyone wants to fight me, but maybe they want to confess something, or just vent to a stranger.
I’d listen.
I can’t speak for others but I’m sure if they were to approach any other stranger with their problems, they wouldn’t really bother to listen. So the best stranger to talk to on the train would be me, or Adrian because he’s great with strangers.
I’m better with complete strangers oppose to people who already have a preconceived idea of who I am due to mutual relationships with people that actually do know me.
But then again, you don’t ever fully know someone, right?
I always wonder about the person who sits across from me. In my head I’m like, “what’s your story?”.
It really is all just a story once it’s in the past.
So why even think about it?
To have a good cry and/or laugh?
Is it like reading your favorite book over and over again like the bible readers do?
Do you hope the ending will turn out different the more you read it?
Well, will it?

A boy maybe 14 or so, came on the train and stood by the pole like anyone would if they couldn’t find a seat; and he dressed as if he wasn’t from here, but I felt like I knew him.
Was it a familiar fashion that I’ve seen before,
or was it just him?

The night I decided to watch another ceiling breaker movie (a movie that makes me feel like I can touch the sky), ended up sending me to a random playlist which led me to it’s first song which was, “You Remind Me of Home”.

At 11:11 pm, words spoken by Ben Gibbard told me:

“In a suburban town with nothing to do,
Patiently waiting for something to happen
But the foundation is crumbling
Becoming one with the ground
While you lay there in slumber
You’re wasting your life”

as I was literally sitting on my “thrift store couch” (as quoted from the song), waiting for some random miraculous thing to happen to me and change my life around.
But my foundation was crumbling and it was time for me to stop sitting around.
So why was I sitting around just waiting?
Well, it’s pretty cold now here in New York and pretty late too…
but that’s no excuse.
I won’t wait anymore.

I heard some kid in my class say today, “that’s the key to success!” after learning that someone handed in their essay before Christmas break.
There are plenty of keys to success and they’re all laid out right in front of you.
I just depends on if you decide to use them.

Well here it goes…

With this being my first post, I really don’t know what to say other than introduce myself correctly. 
My name is Natalia and I am 17 years old. 
This may not be your usual blog, or maybe it is, I don’t really know much about this but all I know is that I can write freely on here and then maybe someone will read it. 
I live in NYC and really, its not all that. I mean yeah its pretty at night and they have public transportation down to a tee, but being born and half-raised here doesn’t let me enjoy all of it’s features. Then again, I’m only 17 and I still have half a year till I can actually by a bong on my own. Any city at night is pretty to me though. 
Night time is just my time to be outside even though I never am anymore. I used to skate all night when I lived in Scranton and other places that the streets weren’t busy at night. I stopped once I moved back to New York two summers ago. It’s mostly because I’m more likely to bump into a weirdo at night over here than I would over in the other cities and towns I’ve lived in. Don’t get me wrong, weirdos are everywhere
Heck, I’m one of them. But if you really think about it, so is everyone else. 
I have a boyfriend named Adrian and we’ve been together since September of 2014. 
We’ve been talking since freshman year and finally got together when I moved back to NY the summer before junior year. 
By the way, I’m in my senior year now. I tried dropping out last month after skipping school for 2 months straight. I honestly hate school only for the simple reasons of social pressure, ignorance in most of the people there, and the fact that most of the stuff they teach us is complete bullshit. 
They literally feed us lies and students eat it up because they never learned anything more than to make sure they graduate, go to college, get a 9-5, and hate the rest of their lives. 
School was never really a priority to me, only college was. I’ve been wanting to go to college since I was younger because of all the banging parties I’ve seen in movies. 
It wasn’t until this past summer where I’ve come to realize, I can party without college, I hate school, and I hate stressing over exams that wont mean anything to me in a few years
A lot of people will disagree with me and try and talk me into college but it will never happen. I am going to own my own business (multiple businesses) and I don’t need a degree for that. The internet is literally the key to everything; almost everything you’ve ever wanted to learn is at the palms of your hands. 
When I graduate, if I do, I’m gonna finally get a stable job and save up to get out of here. I don’t want to stay in the US because 2016 is completely unpredictable to me and I don’t know how this country will be by the time I’m on my own. All I know is that I’ve always wanted to move to California since I was younger. I want to get my Marijuana growers license so I can grow, in my opinion, the most beautiful and helpful plant in the world. 
My life is actually pretty awesome even though I complain so much. I really shouldn’t..
Life is so beautiful its just literally all about how you spend it. 
We are infinite, We are young, how can there be anything more perfect?
Try going out at night when the streets are empty;
be all that you are.

I know you’ll stay.