As Tuesday passed, I realized the day before, I did not write.
Monday was hard.
The second I thought I was doing good and getting on track, the Universe reminded me I’m on break.
To say I’ve been shot down once is an understatement.
So here I am on this Wednesday, with enough energy to at least write something.
My Haku has her neuter surgery tomorrow and I’m more scared than she is. Mostly because she doesn’t know…
I think about work and how it’ll work out.
I think about my $8,000 medical debt and wonder if it’s even worth it.
How do they expect us to survive?
It’s like they only give us enough to get by with the minimal and lay under their feet the entire time.
Nothing more, nothing less.
I think about this and how I’m only 22. And how I’ve met others who sway to the dance that it is.
I think about this.
I imagine tomorrow being okay but it gives me some anxiety anyways.
When will this pass…?
It’s almost 11 in the morning as I wait for my teacher to arrive.
I wonder what is next for me to do and if these messages are for me or the others listening.
It’s Wednesday and I couldn’t get out of bed all week.
The cold makes it harder and I never considered myself a seasonal depressive.
Recurrent and brief? Yes.
But never seasonal.
My family continues to bombard me with questions of visitation yet I find myself burying under the covers more and more.
I’m sorry my strings of attachment don’t run deep.
I’m sorry I’d rather stay home 95% of the time and hate any moment someone knocks on my door.
I think about things I’m not sure matter.
I think about the holidays coming up and how it makes me nervous in a society that forces consumerism.
Why am I obligated to these things?
Why do I feel obligated to these things?
As these phases continue to spur in and out of my life, I wonder if this is what my life will settle on.
I hope not.
Until then I’ll be here in the cold of California, under the covers, wishing for a better opportunity than now.
It’s too bad the isn’t one.