are you awake?

it’s late and I can’t find the words to say anymore.

I think something nice in my head and watch it fly past like a ribbon being pulled by a bird.

this isn’t your average blog post and I don’t intend it to be.

see, i’ve been wanting to beat myself up lately.

i can’t pick up the pen I can’t take out my notebook I can’t seem to press the keyboard anymore.

are my words drowning in a sea of sadness i left behind?

where can I find them in the midst of my feelings?

i am no longer sad yet i’ve been praying less to my lord.

i see her up there knowing it’s ok so i continue anyways.

what are these things and will they matter in the long run?

does that even matter?

where should my priorities be if they even exist at all?

what is this existence and why should we care so much?

i think everyone spits some bullshit like, i think its to just be happy and love and all of that and i see where your coming from but do u hear the sadness in ur voice behind it?

I want to know the answers and not the ones you think.

those only my god knows beyond words of comprehension.

its a funny thing to think that those don’t matter at all. even with my words i try so hard to tie down to this earth.

i watch them fall through my hands like grains of sand here in california.

its too complicated to imagine and for that i love it and i’ll do what i want and care not for those in space.

what will that do for me and was matter does it bring in this lifetime?

i think about these things and how sometimes i don’t wanna write.

be it days, weeks, or months—there’s times, where I just can’t.

and thats ok its ok because I’m doing what I want and no one has the answers no matter how many papers you show me and pictures of planets and scars from past lives.

it’s monday night and I didn’t wanna write a blog post.

I wanted to write because I haven’t written in a while and not just something I think you should hear but something I needed to say.

i’m 22 now and I wish I wrote more than once a week.

maybe I will.

Natalia

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