Since I’ve come to terms with my current situation (and yes, it took a little bit), I’ve decided to actually state what is happening.
So, my lovely readers,
I, Natalia Lee, am giving up my first apartment ever.
Yes, yes, I know. Why would I do that?
Well, if you must know, I never truly liked living downtown. That’s not what I came here for.
I didn’t leave the 90 degree angles of NYC to find myself back on the geometrical map of DTLA. I just didn’t.
I wanted myself lying on the curves of California mountains, floating in the waves of ocean dreams & winds.
Not a smaller version of the concrete jungle I’m originally from.
So I seized this golden opportunity of spending these days with my teacher, as a one way ticket out of the matrix and into my soul purpose.
Now, I’m not saying I wasn’t on the right path before;
If you ask me, I think you’re always on the “right” path. But if you feel as if your not, then there’s something you ought to change.
Anyways, as the days draw closer to my move out day, the more of a dream my life seems to become.
I put myself in these uncomfortable situations in order to let myself grow and become stronger without any foundations helping me up.
Yet I still catch myself stressing over the little things.
With all of this time inside, it really had me thinking about what was I going to do when I got back to my usual routine.
I couldn’t stand it!
As someone who’s moved around most of their life, I can’t say that stability makes me comfortable.
I read back on things I’ve written before about how comforting it is to know that I have a space to come back to at night and have that sense of home.
But I also think about my passion to travel, constantly explore, and see everything there is to see.
Between those 2 feelings, my life lays.
For now, I’ve been imagining my future. And how I’m not too sure what will happen next anymore.
I see myself continuing my practices as usual, changing my routine, and saving for something bigger.
I can’t pin point exactly what, but I know when the time is right, it’ll come.
I get nervous if I think too far off the track of beauty.
I get lost and confused spinning in circles asking Uni to help me even though I know I can help myself.
But I ask.
And she laughs.
She laughs, and laughs, and says, “As you’ve devoted your life to me, I have devoted my life to you.”
And that’s all there is.
And I laugh and cry at myself because how could I be such a fool! to ever doubt my one true love.
Yet still the thoughts arise because without them my Love wouldn’t exist. And so it is.
I write late blog posts because everything’s been piling on my mind instead of in my notebooks.
And for that I should be ashamed.
Instead I write this one late.
And pledge to stop letting these feelings build up within me. And let them out in my writing.
There’s a lot of change going on right now;
In my life personally, in the world, and in the Universe.
What will we do with it?
I don’t know.