I wish I was joking and maybe it’s my own bullshit.
I lay in bed because what else can I do besides work?
Recently I’ve taken back up my 日本語 studies.
If you’ve been with me since I first arrived in this state 2 years ago, you’d know how hard I was studying before.
What else can I do?
Plus, I miss it.
Just by relearning, it shows me how much I used to know.
I try to think less about my future since it’ll only make things worse.
If you want an idea of how I’ve been feeling lately, check out my most recent poetry collection on Wattpad.
I also posted a couple of new poems in my open journal The Sh*t Writings of an Adolescent Girl.
My teacher asks me how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking about often enough to make me anxious.
Is that bad?
I’ve been wanting to work on something big recently I just haven’t decided on what yet.
A book? Maybe.
I’ve been contemplating Fiction, but every time I think about it, it just turns me off.
I dabbled in it a few times and man, is it work.
I feel when the time is right, the idea will come. And it’ll be a nice read.
Other than being buried in my emotions and blankets, not much is going on.
Maybe the comfort of this bed is making me lazy and unmotivated.
Maybe it’s my fear of what’ll never come.
I just want to affirm to you and myself that I’m doing my best.
Keeping myself busy with ambitions and things that should be lower on my To-Do list.
What can I say? I’m only 21, doing it on my own, trying to be the best that I can be.
And some days I’m sad, some days I’m sick, and some days I just don’t wanna anymore.
And that’s ok.
Because at the end of the day, I know what I’m here for. And it’s my willpower & strength that will get me back up and right on track.
So for now, let me rest.
I’m feeling a little sick, alright?