And I think about the things I’ve been saying these past couple of weeks;
Things are getting easier yet harder. I wonder if that’s still true.
I think about my most recent choice in life, the one mentioned in last weeks post, and wonder how much easier/harder it’s made everything.
I feel I’m at the point where I’m not numbed by it all, but more neutral towards it.
I can’t feel the struggle within me yet I don’t feel the peace.
I wake up in the morning wondering what my task of the day will be;
I get up, do my practice, and move on with the day.
To me, it’s just life now.
I miss my love, no doubt. But whatever this future holds, I see him within it. So I’m not scared.
I think maybe these feelings came when I opened up the windows and haven’t closed them since.
More light enters my room from different angles and it just feels all different.
I want to say I miss my home but I’m back at the point where I don’t know what that is anymore.
Years ago, before I left it all behind, I wondered where that home was as well.
I only felt it within me.
The most home I’ve ever felt was walking on the side of the road with my suitcase in hand, staring up at the open night sky.
It’s funny to think at a point I saw my apartment as that. Or someone’s arms.
Nothing lasts forever, not even that.
I think about a song by Trevor Hall when he says, “Sometimes I don’t feel at home…..and I want to return….”
I think it was those lines that made me fall in love with his music.
Because no matter where I am, or who I’m with, I’ll never truly feel at home.
This I try not to think about often anymore. It just saddens me.
So as the days go by, I spend them in stillness;
Buried in my books, my practice, my words.
I wish I could say I would do this forever but honestly, I can’t wait to see the world again;
To see my love again.
To all of those cruising through this, with change in their hearts and not circumstance,
Even without any of this,
be grateful anyways.
Be grateful always.
Every one of you.