The days have been getting harder and easier to bear as they go by.
My heart grows weak from being away from my love, yet goes stronger from all the cardio I’ve been doing to distract myself.
I think back to almost a year ago when I spent my first day with him and how lonely I knew my life had been until that moment.
I don’t mean to make this a love letter but if I did, I’d write more than one.
My heart can only bear so much–even something the doctors couldn’t fix.
Take it easy, they said.
But if you know me like I know myself,
that’s not as easy as it sounds.
I destroyed myself many times and let others do it for me.
There came a point where I couldn’t bear anymore. I think God knew that.
So he sent me him.
I won’t talk more on the subject of my longing—
but it’s hard not to.
On the easier side,
I can say I’ve found a sense of stillness within this all. And acceptance.
Being here in a quiet home of duties and practice, it makes me not miss society.
I imagine the life I always intended to live,—being here now.
I wake up every morning to the sight of large mountains standing outside my bedroom window and the gentle jingle of my Haku’s collar.
I have a constant teacher correcting my form and posture—even off the mat.
As modern and chic this woman is, I see her as my present Master.
How could I not?
I am constantly learning and being shown The Way while Uni throws triples of digits towards me.
I hear you.
And I understand.
My love says come home with him but how could I leave this behind?
I guess you can sum up the cause of my suffering is self inflicted—but for good reason.
As much I want to be in my love’s arms of warmth and security,
I made it my goal this year to always put my practice first.
When I had to option to choose, the question I’ve instilled in my head rose to the surface.
How will this effect my development?
I made a promise to myself at the beginning of this year that I will no longer slack.
I will take my learning seriously and put myself into deep training—-
no matter what that may be.
And I sealed it in stone with a tilak on my forehead.
So at the moment,
it’s in my practice’s best interest to stay here.
Nothing will come out of this experience other than my progression,
my gained strength,
my higher endurance,
and my deeper love for Justin.
I needed this.
Even though I didn’t know it at the time.
I hope that within these days, weeks, and even future months, you find that stillness in chaos.
Because when everything is wrecked and in rambles, that nature does not leave you. It never did.
It was you who allowed to mind to overrule.
Not the circumstances. Not the weather. Not the people.
It’s been you, and just you, this whole time.
Would you be able to bear that when it’s all set and done?
Is it worth it?
Until the end, I vow to put my practice first.