I’m writing this here because I don’t know where else to put it

I want it to be heard.

Somewhere deep down within me wants sympathy.

I know it’s wrong and Master would never be proud. Even with what I’m about to say.

My mission;

My purpose.

I feel as if I must be a warrior! In all ways possible! Not only in heart but all throughout.

But how can I!?

At 21 year’s old, nice hips and all, stare

at those who wear it well.

How can this thing within me, not want that!?

How can I release this!?

The wanting to be pretty. The wanting to be hot, and sexy.

The wanting to wear nice dresses with heels in warrior legs that look built for a man.

A weak man that is.

What would Master say…?

I toss and turn at night because looking in the mirror hurts my heart just a little bit at the slightest things that don’t matter.

And maybe the same happens for every girl.

So how can I rule a land?

A country?

Who said I was supposed to..?

Where do my delusions come from and how can I escape the unexplainable feelings that come with them?

Can’t I just try…? To wear a dress?

To put on heels?

I do and I feel so wrong.

I wear it and they look and I know some part of me feels good in it while most of my mind tries to figure out what I’m doing.

I feel as if I’m trying to play a role I was never meant for yet crave that maybe I could just live a simple life and care for dumb things like that.

Raised with it all maybe I’ve tricked myself into feeling that way.

My soul pulls on something harder while my mind draws back.

My soul says explore. And fight.

Fight for what exactly?

I’m not too sure. But I feel I must be ready when the time comes.

My mind wants to stay home.

Straighten my hair and put on mascara.

Throw on heels and do dips down like pretty girls do.

I watch them.

Walk back and forth on catwalks I used to years ago.

I wonder if my younger self would be proud.

Or maybe she’d ask the same thing I do every day,

what are you doing?

And I’ll laugh.

And hold back tears.

Because I don’t know.

But I’m tired of living in lies.

Maybe I don’t know myself like I say I do.

I wonder what Master would say…

12:34

-Natalia

Published by Natalia Lee

Natalia Lee is a spiritual mentor, writer, and artist. She embodies many types of spiritual practice, one importantly being the Taoist principle of living in harmony with the flow of nature. Another is her expression of devotion toward Source through Bhakti Yoga. At 19 years old, Natalia moved from her hometown in New York City to Los Angeles to begin her pilgrimage of world travel and spiritual inquisition. Since then, she has tackled many personal achievements including the publishing of multiple poetry collections, e-books, physical art pieces, a successful podcast, and personal blog.

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