I’m not sure if I’m going to continue writing anymore. I know no one is reading it and I know I said I don’t care but, what’s the purpose? I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about writing lately and by tomorrow I’ll be done with Bird by Bird. There’s plenty of things that I have learned from the book especially how to improve my writing skills but I’m not sure if this is what I want to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love to write but can I commit to it at least once a day? I know, oh god, once a day!? Give me a break! I don’t know if writing once a day is the issue but I just feel like this isn’t going to work. This is like breaking up with my soul mate because I don’t want to kiss him. Was that a good comparison? I’ve been so tired and barely dreaming anymore. The last time I actually remember something from my sleep was the day before last when I took a nap after reading. I remember my mind scanning through book after book, picking out and highlighting words as if it were collecting them for future reference. Once I woke up, I thought somewhat along the lines of “and even when I’m sleeping I’m becoming a better writer”, and I’ve never felt more satisfied with myself. I’m gonna keep writing the blog and continue to write every other day, because I do love to write, and what’s better than that? So here’s what I’ve learned:

  • Alwaysย take down note worthy things. (Even though I started doing that a few days before I started reading the book)
  • Observeย everything
  • Listen more, Talkย less
  • Pay attention
  • Being more compassionate = seeing others differently

I know these are simple things but they’re not things that I’ve been doing until now. I always felt like I couldn’t go throughout the day without keeping my headphones plugged in my ears, but I did. I read through the boring times (which is 95% of the school day), and payed attention when I needed to. I noted some quotes that meant something to me in the book and even something a quiet kid in front of me said:

“I live a life of servitude”

responding to my question of why he wanted to do all of the group work. This kid has been doing all of the group work probably his whole life, that now, he just offers to do it all himself! I couldn’t bear to hear those words come out his mouth–but they did, and I was left there, empty handed, with only “Well… you should stop that..” as my pitiful response. People like him, go their whole lives letting people walk all over them because they feel its their duty, or because they’re too kindhearted to say “No”. You’re supposed to be living your life in your own favor, not others. I’m not saying not to be generous, but don’t put others wants in front of yours (generally speaking).
I’m going to finish tonight’s post with a short excerpt of what’s going on right now:

Pungent scents of crisp spices on high, spill through every crack and hole, racing through nostrils that can only bare a short whiff. Weights less than a gram struggle to keep my eyes closed, for my eyelids are too strong. A simple overused phrase of “I love you”, leaks out the lips of my lover to which I can only respond no simpler than an “I love you too”. There is no doubt he is blind to how these words have reached my ears, I have no doubt. They poured so smoothly through my right ear as if he were pouring the last of his cup down the drain. I know fires can’t start without oxygen, but the spark of the match he throws down my throat with every kiss is enough to keep me warm every winter. I lay here waiting for a meal that might not kill me, and listening to everything but the words around me, and the only thing I can feel is rumble of my stomach, and the beating of a heart next to me.

-Natalia

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